Titillating Turkey.

Cue the slow jams.  Today we're gonna tango with turkey.  We're gonna butter it up.  We're gonna rub it down.  We're gonna fill up the cavity.  It's gonna be good.

Innuendos aside, Thanksgiving just finished and Christmas is coming (the goose is getting fat), and if you ever want your relatives to stop asking you when you're getting married or how you feel about Trump at the table... you're going to need to keep them distracted and chewing.  

Set this badass bird on the table and you'll get blessed silence all the way to dessert.  As with all of my over the top, no-longer-fun recipes: technique matters the most, so don't skip it.

Applewood Smoked Turkey.

The Food:

• 1 Turkey.  Obviously.  1 lb per person if you want leftovers.
• A lot of Kosher Salt
• A lot of Black Pepper
• 1-3 cups Apple Cider Vinegar
• 1-2 Apples
• 1-2 Yellow Onions
• 3-5 Tbsps Canola Oil

The Equipment:

• A smoker.  Can be Electric, Gas/LP, Wood Chips, Charcoal, or even just a kettle grill.  
• Temperature probes for smoker and for Turkey (ideally 3 in total, but 2 total also works)
• Apple wood chips or chunks for smoke

The Method:

First, prep the smoker.  You're shooting for a consistent 260* F.  How you achieve that depends on what you've got.  For electric, that might be as easy as pushing buttons and waiting.  For charcoal in a kettle, it will take more practice.  However you do it, get up to temp and stay there.

Next, prep the turkey.  It's gotta be thawed all the way, but keep it at refrigerator temperatures.  Remove the junk-- neck, giblets, pop-up timers (try and avoid getting on in the first place), and whatever else they put in there.  Rinse off the turkey-- not so much because of bacteria, but because it probably came packed in brine.  Rinse the cavity, get the bottom, wings, etc.  Then get the turkey dry, inside and out.  Paper towels work well.

*NOTE: Rinse with cold water.  Hot water gets you in the danger zone for bacteria growth on the skin, and you're already slow-cooking it.  Don't give everyone food poisoning at Christmas.  There are better ways to act the Grinch.

Once the bird patted dry, it's seasoning time.  Salt and pepper everywhere, even in the cavity, liberally.  That's a big piece of meat, it craves seasoning.  Give it more than you think you need.  Don't chicken out, that's a different post.  You could literally pack it in salt and it would be fine.  

Next, half the apples and onions and fill up the cavity with em.  Most turkeys come with a way to tie the drumsticks, but if not, tie em up.

TUCK THE WINGS YOU PHILISTINE. 

Finally, lightly rub the bird down with canola oil.  Keep it real light.  Just a shimmer.  

Put your temperature probes in the thickest part of the breast meat, and if you have a second-- the thickest part of the thigh.  Put the turkey in the smoker and keep the temperature at 260, and pour half of the apple cider vinegar in a smoker-safe, open-top vessel and put that under the bird if you can.  Top up as needed.  Make sure your applewood is creating smoke and open the smoker as little as possible.

*NOTE: A lot of people think you should soak your smoking wood for 24 hours before you use it to make it last longer or to make more smoke or for whatever reason.  Don't do this.  Water makes steam when it gets hot, not smoke.  You want smoke.  Let the wood burn.

Q: How long should you smoke your turkey?

A: Wrong.

Smoking is not an exact science.  Smokers vary in how they distribute smoke, temperatures can fluctuate (especially if you're doing it with charcoal and wood fire), and a thousand other factors can play a part.  The conventional wisdom says 30 minutes per pound of turkey at 260* F, but you should absolutely not rely on that.  The turkey in the picture at the top was 22 lbs, and smoked at 260 for 6.5 hours to reach temperature.  

My point is this: time is not what you should watch for-- temperature is.  The bird will steadily rise in temperature for a while, it will feel way-too quick.  Then you'll reach a plateau where temperature will rise very, very slowly for a long while.  Then, it will be done.  You're looking for no more than 160 in the breast meat, ideal in the thigh is 180.  When it's done, it's done.  Take it out.  Cold smoked turkey is as-good or possibly better-than hot, so don't stress.

Last step: LET. IT. REST.  I don't care if it's 10PM on Thanksgiving and everyone is swearing at you.  The turkey gets to rest before you cut it-- for a FULL hour-- lightly covered in foil.  

This is the hardest part.  The smell is awe inspiring.  Don't touch the turkey.  It's going to look obscenely juicy and delicious.  Don't touch it.  Other people are going to reach for a tiny taste.  Slap their hands away.  Threaten with violence if you have to.  Wait.  Repeat the Grumpy Cooking mantra: "Food is not fun."  The hour will eventually be over, and you can carve (and for @!#&'s sake, do a good job).

Smoking not your thing?  Check out Titillating Turkey II.