Chicken For Cantankerous Old People

Do you have a relative who stands out in your mind as being old and mean?

Maybe he was embittered by years of being unable to sleep through the night without getting up to piss.  Could be that she was forced by society to abandon her dream of solo-sailing the globe to raise 12 children and make dinners for an ungrateful pig of a husband.  Perhaps he retired too soon, and ran out of things to do in life which slowly drove him to mild state of frustrated madness.  Or he could have been raised in a time of repressed emotion, which slowly ground away his ability to feel happiness over a long, grumpy life.

Whatever caused it, the result is a relative whose only contribution to family dinner conversation is to condemn the younger generation and complain about the food.  When you're forced to have them over, here's a recipe for a dinner that will keep their mouth too full to cause trouble:

CHICKEN (one per plate):

• 1 Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast, Medium to Large
• Pinch of Kosher Salt
• Pinch of Parsley
• Pinch of Garlic
• Pinch of Cracked Black Pepper
• 1-2 Tablespoons Olive Oil

Method:

Preheat the oven to 400.

Put a large, heavy frying pan or skillet on the stove set to high heat.  When a drop of water sizzles and shoots across the pan in a fury, it's ready.  Put the olive oil in the pan, immediately followed by the chicken breast-- smooth, roundy side down.

Sear for approx 1 minute while sprinkling half a pinch of the Salt, Parsley, Garlic, and Pepper on the back side of the chicken. After the minute, sear the back side for a minute and add the spices to the front side as well.

Turn the heat down to medium, and score the breast with a paring knife 3 times across the thickest part about 1/3 of the way through and flip.  Do this quickly, so the exposed raw chicken sears before losing moisture and immediately begins to cook the middle of the breast.  Cook for a total of 2 minutes, then repeat on the back side.

Transfer the breast to a glass pie dish with all the pan drippings and place in the hot oven.  After 5 minutes, check the middle for the magical 165 on your thermometer and remove to rest.  The smell alone should keep even the most ornery relatives distracted, but if your racist step-aunt just won't quit-- slice the meat against the grain along the bias right before serving for extra insurance.

POTATOES (serves 2-4):

• 3-5 Large Russet Potatoes
• 1-2 Tablespoons Kosher Salt
• 1 Cup Whole Milk
• 1/2 Cup Heavy Cream
• 1/3 Cup Unsalted Butter
• 5 Cloves Crushed Garlic
• 3/4 Cup Shredded Mild or Medium Cheddar Cheese
• Kosher Salt and Cracked Black Pepper to Taste

Method:

Peel and chop the Russet's into cubes.  Dump them in a large pot and cover with water.  Dump the salt into the water, adding more or less depending on how much water you need.  Put the pot on high heat until it boils, then turn down to medium and continue boiling until they fall apart when stabbed.  This usually takes 10 minutes once you turn the heat down.

In a separate large saucepan while the potatoes are boiling-- add the milk, cream, and garlic over medium heat.  Bring to a boil for 1 minute (don't let it boil over) and then remove from the heat and set aside.  

The potatoes should be done or close to done at this point, remove them and drain, then put them back in the pot.  Pretend they are your annoying relative's face and get to mashing.  When the large chunks are squished, slowly add the milk and cream mixture while stirring until you get light, creamy potatoes.  Throw in the butter and the cheese to melt, and season with kosher salt and black pepper.  For extra elderly-stifling power-- grab your favorite hand mixer and whip the potatoes into shape until they are fluffier than your nice grandma's cat.  For extreme cases, or if any of your relatives are interested in politics-- show them the nuclear deterrent and take the drippings from the chicken breasts and strain them into the pot with the butter and cheese.

CORN ON THE COB (serves 1 per cob):

• Cobs of Corn, 1 Per Person
• 1 Stick Unsalted Butter, Melted
• Table Salt to Taste

Method 1: Grill 

No one can speak with a cob in their mouth.  Turn your barbecue propane grill on high, build your charcoal fire, whatever.  You need a grill and you need it hot.  Take the un-shucked corn and place it on the grill.  Wait and listen.  When you hear popping, turn over.  Wait and listen.  When you hear popping, they're done.  Remove and shuck, cutting each cob in half.  Brush with melted butter, season with table salt.  

Method 2: Boil

Too many excuses to use the grill?  Throw the shucked cobs in a pot of boiling water and let them alone for 10-15 minutes.  Drain, chop in half, brush with butter and season.  Easy.

What's that?  Your angry great grandpa has false teeth and can't eat corn on the cob?  Just take a chef's knife and slice the kernels off into a bowl.  With his teeth, he'll be picking them out (and not spouting insults about your significant other) for the rest of the evening.

PLATING: 

For maximum I-have-my-life-together-stop-asking-when-I'll-get-married effect; dollop the potatoes first, add the chicken slices second, and nestle the corn last (2 corn halves per plate).