The Comedy Central Roast of Whole Chicken

Comedy Central Presents: The Roast of Whole Chicken

Scene: A glittering stage.  In the center, on a dais made of stainless steel roasting pans, a throne of foil.  Rows of smaller, similar chairs line each side.  In each-- celebrity roasters: Pork Tenderloin, Chuck Roast, Whole Turkey and Goose.  Some roasting royalty is also here: Prime Rib, Roast Beef, and the two patriarchs: Crown Roast of Pork and Crown Roast of Lamb.

Roasting is one of the oldest and tastiest ways to prepare large chunks of meat.  Crispy, flavorful outsides, tender, juicy insides.  The bigger the chunk, the more time flavor can develop.  Whole chicken is no exception.  The skin will be crispy and delicious, but the meat inside will be life-changing-- juicy, extremely flavorful, and tender-- if we get the technique right.  

Suddenly, the crowd stands and cheers.  Whole Chicken is led to the chair by the roastmaster for the evening: Pot Roast.  Whole Chicken smiles as she sits and the stage lights illuminate her throne.  

Prepare

We want to prep our chicken in the same way we prepped our roasted turkey.  Remove extras, rinse in cold water, and pat dry.  Then, we're going to stuff under the skin with herb butter:

Ingredients:

• 1 stick Butter, room temperature
• 1 tsp-ish each of Scarborough Fair herbs:
• 1 tsp Parsley
• 1 tsp Sage
• 1 tsp Rosemary
• 1 tsp Thyme
• 4 cloves Garlic, pressed
• Kosher Salt 
• Cracked Black Pepper
• Paprika
• Cayenne Pepper
• 1-2 Tbsp Olive Oil
• 1 small-ish Lemon, halved

Combine all the ingredients until uniform and set aside.

Pot Roast stands up to the podium as the cheering dies down.  He speaks into the mic: "Happy roast everyone.  Look at this beautiful crowd!  Tonight we're here to honor the reason we all have Turkey at Thanksgiving-- Whole Chicken."

We're going to stuff the herb butter under the skin of the chicken breasts, again-- the same way we did with the roast turkey.  Loosen the skin gently down each side, starting at the cavity end and working toward the front.  Work half the herb butter into each side, until a thin but even layer is atop both breasts.

"We're always grateful to the royalty-of-roasting for taking time from counting their stacks of money to join us tonight-- Prime Rib, Crown Pork, certainly an honor-- wait, isn't Lamb a bit too young for those adult beverages?"

Salt and pepper all over, with paprika and cayenne on the top for maximum color. Prepare the skin by lightly coating it (all over) with olive oil.   Both halves of the lemon go into the cavity.  Tie the legs with butcher's twine and stick the whole bird in the fridge for 30 minutes.  This will let the meat absorb some flavor, and the salt will start pulling moisture to the surface.

"We've certainly got quite an A-list of food celebrities here tonight-- and for some reason, Chuck Roast is also here.  Chuck is what you buy at the grocery store when you feel like a Prime Rib, but  your card gets declined for three-week-old hamburger."

Technique:

You want your bird to roast with hot air circulating to every surface.  This will give you the crispy, delicious skin you want, without losing moisture in the meat.  A roasting pan with a rack is the ideal solution, but if you don't have one of those, use a bed of chopped vegetables or some tubes of crinkled up aluminum foil under your chicken.  Set the oven to 425 F, and put your thermometer in the thickest part of the breast, coming in from the side.  TUCK YOUR WINGS.

"Turkey and Goose are here, it's brave of them to come tonight.  Not because anything we say about Chicken doubly applies to them, but because Christmas is almost here.  What's that saying?  'Make every moment count because it may be your last?'  Don't worry, they won't be offended for long."

Chicken goes in at 425 F, and then after 15 minutes turn the oven down to 350.  Pull the bird out when the temperature probe reads 155-160 and the skin is golden.  How long will this take?  Depends.  Budget 10-15 minutes per lb, but set the alarm based on temp rather than time.  Do you really need an in-oven temperature probe?  Yes.  Yes, you do.  A few degrees off can dry out the breast meat in a hurry, and going by brownness of skin alone is a good way to end up raw in the middle.  Once the chicken is out, rest the meat covered lightly in foil for 20-30 minutes.  This step is essential because when you remove the chicken from the oven it's not finished cooking-- you need to give it time to reach a safe eating temperature of 165 (which it will, don't worry).  Resting also gives the meat a chance to absorb the rendered juices, which you want in your mouth, not on the cutting board.  

"Really, though, tonight isn't about us.  Whole Chicken-- it's wonderful to see you made it here intact.  Usually when you're out and about you look fried-- completely falling to pieces.  Speaking of fried, how is your friend the Colonel, anyway?  Still dead?  Speaking of pieces, how does it feel knowing most people would rather cut off your breasts, legs, and thighs to eat them separately rather than go anywhere near your cavity?"

Finally, be sure to carve the chicken carefully correctly.  In this order: drumsticks, breasts, thighs, wings.  Make it look nice, ideally not by putting it on a Christmas Cookie platter.

See? Juice in the meat, not on the plate.